


Suffering Too Terrible to Name

by RobinsonsWereHere



Category: Psych
Genre: Angst, F/M, I cried while writing this, Read at Your Own Risk, everyone is sad, married shules, not exactly a happy ending, shules children, with good reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 09:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17743139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinsonsWereHere/pseuds/RobinsonsWereHere
Summary: It's the same as the dozens of other times this has happened. Shawn gets and idea and rushes off with Gus, leaving a cryptic phone message for Lassie and Jules to interpret. They find a criminal, or multiple criminals with guns and they stall until the SBPD arrives.It's the same as the dozen of other times this has happened, except Shawn's got two kids to go home to. It's the same, except the stalling doesn't work. It's the same, except it's not.





	Suffering Too Terrible to Name

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I legit cried while writing this. I... god, this is the saddest thing I've ever written. You have been warned.

Shawn Spencer notices everything. He’s been doing if for decades and it’s been making him a living, and at times, keeping him alive, for the past thirteen years. Standing in the middle of the construction yard, he notices three things. One: he and Gus are hugely outnumbered. Again. Two: the men glaring threateningly at them have guns. Again. Three: the man closest to them is in the act of pulling the trigger, which is pointed straight at Gus’ heart. Shawn doesn’t think, he just moves, using his own body to shield his best friend as the gangsters open fire.

/////////////////

Detective Juliet Spencer has showed up just in time to rescue her husband from various unpleasant situations more times than she can count and honestly isn’t expecting today to be any different. Her children are at Henry’s house and she and her partner are pulling up to another scene where they’ll hopefully arrest someone. She and Carlton both draw their weapons as they approach the construction site, but when they’re still too many feet away, bullets begin to fly. Instinctively, they duck behind a stack of support beams, but Juliet is still watching with her heart in her throat as Shawn throws himself in front of Gus.

She’s still watching as the man she loves crumples to the ground, blood already spreading over his chest.

She hears a horrible, desperate scream. It doesn’t even occur to her that she’s the one making it.

Only when Carlton pulls her to the ground does she realize she just tried to run directly into the line of fire. Shoving him off of her, she tries again.

//////////////////////

Shawn hears screaming and relentless gunfire and Gus, saying his name over and over again. Then there’s no more gunfire, and it’s too quiet. He tries to stay awake, tries to think not of the pain but of Gus, who’s crouching over him and of Jake and Zoe, waiting for him at his dad’s house and of Jules, who will surely be here any second. He blinks for a long second, or maybe it’s more than a second because he doesn’t open his eyes until he feels someone shaking him. Looking up, he sees an angel. It’s his wife, leaning over him, her blonde hair coming out of it’s bun and giving her a sunlit halo. He smiles.

“Jules,” he rasps. “Knew you’d come.” Talking hurts, but it’s all he’s got left. As Juliet takes his hand, he notices a tall silhouette beside her. “Hey Lassie,” he greets. “We always said my luck would run out one day. Guess you were right.”

“I didn’t-” Oddly enough, the head detective sounds choked. “God, I didn’t want to be.”

“Shawn, why did you do that?” Gus asks, already crying. “You shouldn’t have- you didn’t have to- I’m not worth it…”

“Gus, you’re worth the world, buddy,” Shawn says, coughing. “‘Course I saved you.” Of course, this makes Gus cry harder.

“Jules,” he says. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to leave you, Juliet,”

“Shawn,” she says, her voice ragged and her eyes brimming with tears. “God, Shawn…”

“I love you. Know that I love you.”

She leans down and presses her lips to his. He kisses her back with everything he’s got left. As he closes his eyes for the last time, everything

Slowly

Fades

Away.

/////////////////////

Karen Vick strides across the gravel, trying not to fear the worst as she spots the group of people a few yards away, all focused on a motionless form on the ground. Guster and Detective Spencer are not facing her, but the look on Lassiter’s face says it all. “Oh god,” the chief whispers. She can hear the footsteps of the paramedics behind her. 

Detective Spencer looks up, silent as the tears stream down her face. “We won’t need a med team,” she informs Karen, her voice cracking.

/////////////////////

Decades ago, Henry Spencer had gotten into an argument with his wife over the risks he took in the line of duty. She’d screamed at him for selfishly continuing to put himself in dangerous situations when all she could do was sit and wait for a phone call with the worst news or unfamiliar officers on her doorstep. Maddie had been right about the pain, Henry thinks, but she’d gotten one thing wrong. The officers on his doorstep are entirely too familiar.

He takes one look at them, Karen and Lassiter and Juliet and Gus, all standing there looking like the world has come crashing down around them, and he knows what’s happened. How could he not? His son is no longer grinning and using Gus as an armrest or twining his hand through Juliet’s in an extremely unsubtle way or poking fun at Lassiter or giving Karen a mock-salute, and he never will again. Henry hands Zoe Spencer, who will grow up without any memory of her father, to her mom. Juliet opens her mouth to speak, then swallows hard.

“Henry,” Karen says softly, “I’m sorry.”

Henry nods. “Yeah,” he responds. “Yeah. Okay.” It’s totally inadequate and on the inside his subconscious is yelling at him for rambling like a dumbass, but before he can say anything more compassionate, tiny footsteps come pattering down the hallway behind him.

“Mama!” squeals two-year-old Jake, throwing his arms around Juliet’s legs. The detective kneels right there in the entryway, her daughter in her arms and her son squeezing her in a hug. She holds them both tightly and Henry watches as her petite form shakes with sobs. Next, Gus starts crying, leaning against the doorframe as tears stream down his face. Henry sighs.

“Alright,” he says. “Alright. Guys, come inside. Let’s not do this here.” Henry softly pats Gus on the arm, and he rouses himself enough to travel to the living room. Then the oldest Spencer hesitates, unsure of exactly how to handle his daughter-in-law. Before he can act, Lassiter is crouching on the floor, rubbing a hand softly over Juliet’s back. Henry swallows hard and leaves them to it, beckoning for Karen to follow him.

///////////////////

Gus is still having a hard time believing that any of this is real. He watches in a fog as Henry brings in a pot of coffee, though nobody takes any. Lassiter and Juliet enter and sit next to Gus on the couch. “Jake,” Juliet says to her son. “It’s getting kinda late, huh? Why don’t you go get in your pajamas and pick out a book for me to read to you, and then come down when you’re ready for bed?”

Even at age two, Jake has a certain solemnity to his expression- he’s an exceptionally bright child and clearly understands that the grown-ups in the room are upset about something. “Okay,” he says, releasing Juliet from his grasp. “Love you mama.”

Gus is impressed that Juliet can manage even a weak smile, but he supposes she’s got to be strong for her son. “Love you too, Jake.”

Once Jake is safely out of earshot, Henry speaks. “What happened?” he asks, voice impossibly level.

Gus knows that he owes it to Shawn to say this. “Shawn saved my life,” he answers. “There were a good two dozen armed men and he threw himself in between me and them. “He saved my life,” he repeats.

Lassiter, who’s now holding Zoe, speaks next. “Spencer called us as he was on his way to the site- it was a rushed call, but we could tell something was up. We had almost gotten to him when the bullets started to fly,” he finishes.

“I couldn’t save him,” Juliet says, sounding broken. The look on her face twists Gus’ heart. “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I should have...” She twists her wedding ring, no longer meeting any of their eyes. Gus remembers the day Shawn has shown him the rings- they’re engraved with their initials and a date from sometime in 2008, the day Shawn insisted he’d know she was the one. Gus doesn’t remember the exact date but it might have been somewhere around the Roller Derby case.

“If you’d run out there as soon as he got shot you’ve been killed too,” Lassiter tells her. “Your kids need their mother.”

“I know,” Juliet murmurs hoarsely. “But they should have their father too.”

/////////////////////

After she’s tucked her son in, dodging too many questions about his father, Juliet paces slowly across the hallway, rocking her daughter to sleep. As she approaches the door to Shawn’s old room, she notices it’s slightly ajar. In spite of herself, the detective pushes it open and quietly enters. To her surprise, Henry Spencer is lying on the bed, arms wrapped around a pillow. At first she’s surprised, but as she looks down at Zoe in her arms, she realizes that while she’s lost the love of her life, Henry has lost his son. Juliet is sure that for him, the pain is so much worse than she could imagine. She goes to leave but the floorboards of the old house betray her, and Henry shifts on the bed, looking up at her with a tear-stained face. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers for the umpteenth time that day.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Henry tells her, his voice quiet and hoarse with tears. “Shawn’s been doing dangerous stuff forever, way before he had a whole police department running around to rescue him. When he was ten years old, he and Gus decided they could parachute off the roof. They’d both have broken bones if I hadn’t put a stop to it. Once he puts his mind to something, you really can’t do anything but hold on tight and follow.”

“He helped so many people,” Juliet murmurs as she sits down on the bed. “Of course he saved Gus, he wouldn’t be Shawn if he hadn’t.” Turning, she looks at Henry. “You raised a wonderful man,” she tells him. “It’s not fair that he’s already gone.”

“Damn right it isn’t. I still can’t believe it,” Henry says.

“Neither can I.”

Their reminiscing is interrupted by a small presence squeezing through the door. “Mama,” asks Jake, “Where’s Daddy?”

Juliet takes a deep breath and hands Zoe to Henry so she can pull Jake onto her lap. “Well, Jake,” she starts, “You’re not gonna see your dad for a long time. None of us are. It’s okay to be sad, and I know we all miss him, but he loves you very much. I’m sure he misses you too.”

“But where is he?” repeats Jake, his lip wobbling.

Juliet thinks for a moment, then rises off the bed and carries her son to the window. “Do you see all those stars, Jake?” He nods against her. “Well, Daddy’s up there now. He’s watching you and loving you and he’s so, so proud of you. He’s far away now, but whenever you see a really bright star, you know he’s watching over you.”

“Like that one?” The two-year-old asks, pointing. 

“Just like that one,” Juliet confirms, pressing a kiss to his head. “Your dad’s watching you, and I’m right here, Jake. I’m not gonna leave. I love you too much.”

“How come Daddy left then?” Jake asks.

“Daddy loved you so much that he would do anything to keep you safe, even if it meant he had to leave. But he still loves you and your sister, way up there, and I love you down here.”

“You’ve got a lot of people who love you, kid,” adds Henry, joining Juliet at the window. “Me, your Uncle Gus, your Uncle Lassiter, and of course your mom and dad. We’re all gonna fight like hell to keep you safe.” Juliet gives him a look. “Sorry.”

“We’re all gonna be sad for a little while,” she finishes as Jake begins to doze off. “But that’s okay. It’s okay to be sad, as long and you keep remembering that there are reasons to be happy too.” 

The Spencer Family stands at that window for a long time, broken from loss. They’re never going to be the same, not after this kind of devastating tragedy, but they will heal. They won’t be the same, but eventually, they will be whole again.

Eventually.

 

_fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Well. That was... something, I guess. Let me know what you thought!


End file.
